Consume Me (Poem)

I don't know if you read this anymore. I guess I certainly hope you do, even though I haven't updated it in almost a month. Anyway, I wrote the following a couple weeks ago. I promise I am doing my best to look up...

(Also, it won't let me write after what I pasted for some reason, so I'll just say it now.. I hope you're safe and happy. I really do.)

Title: Consume Me

I need something else to consume me. I need to let the right one in. I need to let another one in. I need to let anyone in. I need to let everyone in. I need to jump out a window. I need to land on my feet. I need to break an ankle. I need to climb up a tree. I need to live there for 3 years. In a forest. Where I can only hear the sound of the wind and my breath. And fire popping. And storms dropping barrels of snow on all the trees and all the wheat. I need to edit myself. My life. I need to learn and know and come to terms with the fact that I can’t edit my life. That my life is just as much ahead of me as it is behind me. That my life has short term relevance. That the universal (and I mean that in the cosmic sense) time span is not the one that should be on the forefront of my mind. That trees are beautiful today. That my family is beautiful today. That my hands are beautiful today. That my voice is beautiful today. That when I go for a run and I get bugs in my teeth and my knee hurts and the suns in my eyes and my legs won’t go as fast I want and my mind keeps thinking evil and the spaces between my fingers are sweaty and slippery and annoying, that it makes everything else a little better, and feeds me some protein while I’m at it. I need to learn to not have to remind myself that my friends are beautiful. That they love me. That even though being asleep in my bed may feel like the only thing that can comfort me, it’s not, and they’re only a phone call or a short drive away. Or bike ride. Or walk. And that for every time I look back in my past and have cried, there have been ten thousand times more that I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. And that even though so many of those times were brought by you, and that I thank you so much for them, so many were also brought on by me. That you were brought on by me. That everything I encounter has been at least partly because of my own actions, and my own self. That if I believe what everyone keeps telling me, I’m beautiful too.

I’m doing my best to believe that. All of it, because I’m not there yet. And even though I still have my hopes and dreams about us,

I’m doing my best to just breathe in each breath.

I can promise that much.

Just A Quickie

Monday night means Monday night Jets with the guys tonight. They should be here soon. Just wanted to say though that going up to Canada this weekend was very relaxing and needed.

Liz's cabin is so nice. Small. But nice. Two bedrooms, a bathroom and a room that is about the size of my pool table room, maybe a little bigger, which is both the living room and kitchen. It has a woodburning stove/fire place and thats about it. Hah. Then there's a screened in porch in the front facing the lake and I have to say I haven't slept that well in months. Yes months. Friday night I went to bed at 2:00 AM and I woke up with the sun rise at 7:00 and I was so well rested that I got up and went for a morning canoe ride. Loved it. I love canoeing. I love the out doors. I love lakes and trees and chipmunks and I don't care how lame that sounds.

It was really nice to just get away with friends for the weekend.

But now I'm back to work. Only bad news is that I still can't run. Tried today and after about a half mile my knee started giving out again. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Calling the doctor tomorrow though, hopefully they will know what's wrong with it.

I hope everyone is doing well, enjoying themselves and not going too crazy with everything. I hope everyone is safe and happy.

Catch Up Too

Well, I had such an amazingly, great weekend last weekend that I totally forgot to write in this all week. So what's been going on? Hmmm. Did I mention that last weekend was really nice? I think did:) Other than that it's been business as usually. Work is very busy as always, which is a good thing because it makes time go quick. My brother and Alanna were complaining that they get so bored at work recently because there isn't a lot to do and I am very happy that that isn't my situation.

I went to my grandparent's house for pizza and dessert with Brett and Alanna on Tuesday night. That was really nice, I really don't get to see them enough and sometimes I feel bad. Pop pop was really intrigued with Alanna's horse and wants to come up soon to see it. I should really do that too since I have also yet to have met him. Maybe sometime soon.

Did yoga again. I'm really happy with how flexible I am getting and how my balance is getting a lot better. I can do crane! and Wheel! for almost an entire minute! Haha, that probably sounds really lame but I don't care, I'm happy about it.

This weekend should be fun I guess. I'm going to see The Social Network, which I'm really really really excited about. It's getting amazing reviews and has some really cool actors in it. (Plus NPR gave it a great review... I know, I'm lame.) Then tomorrow I am actually going to Englishtown Raceway Park to autocross my car with Jim Tramantano (The Mustang Guy from TCNJ) That should be a lot of fun because it's on an actual race track and not just a big parking lot.

Then tomorrow is also Homecoming at TCNJ, but honestly I have very little interest in going. Andrew and Brian both won't be there, and I can't get there until late in the afternoon when it will be almost over. Maybe if Brett and Alanna go, but I don't think they are. Instead hopefully I find something fun/anything to do tomorrow night. It's looking like everyone will be far away. Jeff in Philly, Andrew and Jenna are going up to Maine for a week and a half (yes I am very jealous), and MC has not been around too much. Idk, maybe I'll go for a drive somewhere.

And that's about it. I hope everyone is doing really well and is safe and happy. I know everyone will start enjoying the autumn season. I'm jealous of everyone farther north who get's to see the leaves change a little sooner.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Good news and Bad, but mostly good.

A lot happened this week. Well, not so much a lot as just one thing that was decently big. I mean I did the normal work routine of course. And actually the week seemed to go pretty quick, which is a good thing. So there's been good news and bad news.

First the bad (which even still has a silver lining). I ran 15 miles the other day at an 8:12 pace (that's the silver lining). I was very happy with myself, no doubt, but the last mile my right leg really started to tense up and hurt. I'm ok, but I tried running a few days later and my knee area instantly started to ache:( After talking to Brett and my mom I think I might have just bruised or stretched a tendon or something. They said it isn't a big deal so long as I take care of it and stay off it for a good two weeks. Reluctantly I am taking their advice, but I don't like that I haven't run all week. I've still been doing Yoga, which feels really good actually, and I think is really helping my balance:) and abs for that matter.

So then the good news: I bought a new car!!!! Hah, I am really really really happy about that. It's a brand new 2010 Mazdaspeed 3: 6 speed, all leather, AIR CONDITIONING!!, hatch back. It's really nice. It IS Front wheel drive, which I know I said I would never buy a new front wheel drive car, but the car handles amazingly well. Better than the TVR I think. Haha, plus it makes over twice the horse power:) I am just really happy about. I've been doing my best to take everyone for a drive.

And that's been about my week. Nothing too exciting. Have some plans for the weekend but nothing crazy. We're having a small party for my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary on Sunday. It's pretty amazing... 60 years is an awesomely long time to be with someone. I also might go dirtbiking tomorrow. We'll see.

And that's about it. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope everyone is happy and safe.

Sunday (told out of character)

It's now Sunday night, 10:53 PM. I just finished watching All the President's Men, a movie made in 1976 about the two journalists who uncovered Nixon's involvement with the Watergate scandal. I woke up at 4:35 this morning and couldn't find sleep until about 7:00, at which point I proceeded to lay unconscious until after 10:00 AM, an hour that I was not happy about. I awoke to the sound of rain and tires roaring through the soaked asphalt in front of my house, and walked around shirtless until noon. I was happy to find a fresh apple turnover waiting to satiate my morning hunger, and a warm shower to freshen my sullened mood. I spent the afternoon with friends watching barbaric men smash into each other, fiercely grab a hold of each other and run, catch and throw a pig skin around in their ultimately inconsequential goal of attaining points for their respective teams. It was highly entertaining, to say the least. I then sat down for what appeared to be a Thanksgiving dinner- turkey, stuffing mashed potatoes, peas and gravy- even though it's months away from that holiday date. After an hour or so of perusing the internet, watching Top Gear and the afformentioned movie I find myself again back in my queen size bed, adrift in oversized plaid sheets that beg to cover more than one. Nevertheless, I hope to find sleep soon, and start my week tomorrow with reverence and serenity.

Well that was fun. A description of my day while being in the character of what felt like a 1930's private eye mixed with John Steinbeck. Hah, I don't really know where that came from, and I didn't mean for it to come out as dark sounding as it might have. I guess I realized I haven't been doing much writing lately. Not that there was ever a time when I was doing a lot of writing just for my own, but normally I would be back at school by now and writing lots and lots each week, but now I don't have to. I should try to find time to again.

Anyway, last week went very fast, and for obvious reason. I wish all weeks were four days long. Work went well though, the projects are really starting to ramp up. We're going to start framing soon on the 70 unit senior building, and we just started pouring footings for the 35 duplexes. Hah, I can't tell you how nice it is to just be managing the project, and not be the one doing all the labor.

The weekend was pretty nice. Friday night all of us watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail, although I fell asleep halfway through because I was fairly tired. Saturday I spent the day with Beezer. We played trumpet (something that will be a weekly occurrence now on), and then spent a couple hours almost buying a car. Hah, I couldn't quite get the dealership down to my price, and then I was cut short because B had to get to a hockey game. But I've got a feeling they're going to call tomorrow. We'll see, I have my fingers crossed. Then all of us watched the Rutgers game last night at my house, which was HORRIBLE. Worst game ever, but at least we won. And of course I already described my day today. Except that it was a nicer day than it may have sounded.

These posts have been long. I hope that's ok. I really hope that everyone is ok. I hope everyone is great!:) I hope everyone is safe and happy.

Labor Day Weekend Plus Some

My weekend did a bit of flip flopping. I went from not having plans to having plans to not having plans, back to having plans again. I also entered it with a little less optimism than I would have liked, but it all turned out ok.

I originally didn't have anything going on at all. Then some guys from the job site (one is a late 30's township inspector who rides a cruiser bike and the other is a late 20s Columbian machine operator who rides one of the fastest sport bikes you can buy) asked if I wanted to go for a ride with them Saturday morning, so I did. And it was fun. (Plus a fairly unique mix of company and bikes, hah.) And I figured since I was riding I would just finish by going down to Philly and meeting up with Jeff/Liz/Rob/Joe/Tom for this big Red Bull Flugtag event that was going on in Camden, hangout for the night, and then shoot east to meet my parents in LBI for the rest of the weekend.

Well like I said, the morning motorcycle ride went well, but from there it was all down hill. The ride down to Camden was super windy and not fun on the interstate. Then I made a wrong turn in Camden and ended up in the VERY NOT GOOD area of Camden and freaked out a little bit. But I managed my way back to the event just to find out that there was absolutely no parking left unless I went a mile away and left my bike on a random street, which I was not about to do. Plus the screws that held my muffler on ended up some how coming loose and I just needed to get out of there. So Philly was a bust.

Instead I headed east to my grandparent's house and chatted with them for a bit, which was really nice. I lost interest in going to the beach at that point though (Just haven't been in a beachy mood this summer), so I tightened my muffler and headed home.

So then again I had no plans.

I ended up hanging out with Brett, Alanna and Ozzy and watched Greenberg. I really did not enjoy the movie much at all but had a nice time nonetheless. Walked around downtown Somerville late at night in the cool weather afterwards, which was enjoyable and then headed home.

Sunday brought a really comforting phone call, and a bike ride that ended up being harder than I thought. There were two hills in particular that killed me, and the ride was only 42 miles or so instead of 50 like I had planned, but I was still really happy with what I had done. Maybe next weekend those hills will be a little bit easier.

Then that night I went to Polar Cub with Mike Colonel and Laura and I watched the original Tron movie which was SO COOL and now I'm so excited for the new one to come out in December.

Then I woke up early Sunday, cleaned the whole house to give my Dad a nice coming home welcome from the beach, and also built a mini patio for the grill out of old bricks from the back yard. It felt really good doing real work around the house. It really really really makes me want own/build my own house some day. Then I ended up watching Up In the Air with Laura and Angela last night. MC was supposed to come but ended up having cooler things to do or something. Lame.

So it ended up being a good weekend after all. Then today was MC's birthday so I met up with everyone at the Royal for a bit.

And that's all. Wow, that was a really long post. I hope my life isn't too boring.

I also hope everyone is safe and happy:) And enjoying this beautiful weather.

Lots of motorcycle riding, and some rambling too.

It has been so so hot the last five days. Sunday I went on yet another motorcycle ride. I switched back to the odometer from the tripometer and I was shocked to see that I had put 1,200 miles on the bike in just 4 or 5 weeks. It's a good thing though. With the amount of work that I put into the bike it would have been too bad if I just didn't use it.

Hah, but this week riding it to work- soo hot. Coming home in just a T-shirt and it feels like I'm standing by a stove top or something.

But the cool weather is coming:) Tomorrow! (Along with possible heavy rain and wind, but that's ok I don't mind:)) These weeks really go by so fast it's crazy. Tomorrow is already Friday. I have no idea what I'm doing this weekend. I really want to go camping but the few sites I looked up are all booked. Plus it's hard to find people who really want to go. I don't know, maybe I'll try to go next weekend or something.

Laura and I did yoga last night. That actually felt really good. We did it last week too with Doug, and it's amazing how just doing it a couple of times I can feel an improvement. Obviously still can't do the crazy stuff like they do on the tape... but I can feel my balance getting a little better. We're going to try to do it once a week I think. Hopefully I'll see a big improvement in a month or so.

So yeah, no real plans this weekend. Wish I did. Maybe go down to the beach with the family. Definitely do a lot of running, especially since it won't be so hot. I feel like I'm rambling a bit so it must be time to end the post. Hopefully these aren't too boring.

I hope everyone is happy and safe. And enjoying life to the fullest:) I really do.